All That Can Be: The Varied Relationships Between Surrogate and Intended Parents

Surrogate and Intended Parents - Children Of Surrogacy Families

There are many relationships that can occur between surrogates and intended parents. Which one grows along with your family is up to you.


Surrogates and intended parents alike are each involved in an emotional, exciting, scary, and wonderful experience. As with any pregnancy, emotions run understandably high. Often times, even more so in a surrogate arrangement, as intended parents have had to contend with many disappointments and struggles to get to this point.

Understanding the experiences and desires of everyone involved is a great start to creating the ideal relationship between surrogate mother and intended parents.


Surrogate and Intended Parents: The Reality of Being a Surrogate

Whether it’s more of a business-like relationship, or something more, surrogates want to be able to work closely with the family they are hoping to help. Surrogates come from all different backgrounds and life experiences. Despite these differences, all surrogates have one very special thing in common. They all hope to help intended parents realize their hopes and dreams of becoming parents.

As most surrogates are already parents themselves, they can closely identify with the joy of parenthood, as well as with the roller coaster of emotions that go along with any pregnancy. Because of this deep-seated desire to help, most surrogates are happy to be in close contact with intended parents throughout the surrogacy. And later continue to keep in contact with the families.

Depending on the preferences of the surrogate and the intended parents, it’s sometimes completely normal for each party to go their separate ways after the baby is born and the surrogate has achieved her goal of helping a family in need.


Surrogate and Intended Parents: The Intended Parents Experience

Intended parents, while going through a surrogacy process themselves, they definitely experience the journey from a completely different view. Many intended parents have had to endure months, if not years, of testing, disappointment, frustration, and procedures. Rarely, these sort of problems can be avoided.

Past experience can help shape the contact preferences of the intended parents. Some like to keep in close contact with their surrogates both during and after surrogacy proceedings. Others prefer a more casual approach, checking up on the progress of the pregnancy via their chosen surrogacy agency. While still others prefer to have little or no contact with the surrogate throughout the process. Some intended parents stay in close contact with their surrogates throughout their lives, creating lasting friendships and close-knit ties.

Each of these interaction styles is perfectly normal and to be expected. It’s important that both intended parents and surrogates themselves carefully consider what sort of healthy boundaries should be established prior to agreeing to the commitment of surrogacy.


Surrogate and Intended Parents: The Role of the Agency

This is another arena that the surrogacy clinic or agency can prove to be hugely beneficial in. Agencies can help outline contact schedules and expected commitments and boundaries before the surrogacy has even begun. Often these things are discussed as intended parents and surrogates are matched. Making sure that each parties feelings and emotional wellbeing are firmly heard and acknowledged.

Agencies can act as a liaison between surrogates and intended parents. This is especially true for intended parents that choose to take their surrogacy journey abroad. Agencies can supply intended parents with check-up info or dates. They can even arrange calls for individual contact between the surrogate and intended parents. This if both parties agree to it early on.

Even when intended parents are unable to be present, they are generally still happy to be involved as much as they can throughout the pregnancy. It’s important to remember that both surrogates and intended parents are human individuals. They have their own sets of hopes, dreams, understandings, and boundaries. All of which need to be acknowledged and respected.


Surrogate and Intended Parents: The Best Relationships

All surrogate/intended parent relationship matrices should have a few base and common considerations. While it’s unlikely that your surrogate is looking for a new best friend, or to act as a mother to your child as it grows, it’s just as unlikely that intended parents will be cold and spiteful towards the person that’s helping to give them their greatest joy.

It’s important for both intended parents and surrogates to keep in mind that any relationship between the two requires trust, compassion, and respect. At minimum.


Just as it’s important that intended parents trust their surrogate to make good choices and care for their child in the best way possible, it’s equally important that the surrogate feel that trust from the intended parents. Once a good match is made, intended parents should take comfort in knowing that they’ve made the best decision. Their surrogate is there to help them through this experience in every way possible.

It’s not unusual for intended parents to feel on edge or anxious throughout the pregnancy. Remember that you chose your surrogate for a reason. They do not need to be managed by you! And they will absolutely show your child all the love and care in the world. As an intended parent, extending this type of trust to your surrogate will allow everyone to relax and enjoy the journey to its fullest.

Understand that things change throughout a surrogacy and it’s important to remain flexible, and trust that your agency has everything under control. This will help promote and confirm healthy boundaries for both parties.


Being a surrogate is a tough world. Pregnancy is often exhausting and filled with any number of emotions. Understanding that your surrogate is human, and subject to all sorts of emotions during this time can often help intended parents understand why a surrogate may not be immediately in contact with them, or might even seem short from time to time.

From a surrogate’s perspective, seeing all of the heartbreak that the intended parents have experienced up to this point, and understanding how terrifying that can be sometimes is an important thing to keep in mind. This can help surrogates to better understand why intended parents may seem worrisome or fearful.

Essentially, neither party has it easy during this time of uncertainty. Empathizing with your partners is very important. Showing compassion during the bad days and the good is the best way to be able to keep the big picture and final goal in mind.


Be patient and understanding when it comes to lapses in communication. These are perfectly normal. Both sides of a surrogacy agreement will have commitments and demands that have nothing to do with the pregnancy.

As either an intended parent or a surrogate, if you begin to feel overwhelmed or concerned, it’s important to talk to the professionals that are offered to you during this time.

As most surrogates have had a child, but have not been surrogates before, they may well understand the trials and tribulations of pregnancy, but not the nuances of surrogacy. Keep in mind that just as many intended parents are experiencing surrogacy for the first time as well. It’s important not to burden the other party with worries and concerns. But still be able to talk about them openly and honestly.


Read more about Surrogacy, with one of Ilaya´s success stories: The Surrogacy Experience: Choosing Ukraine.